Meantime

So, in the meantime? 
 
The play on words here:  Meantime, the time between two events, the segway from one plot to the subplot, the space separating words;  MEANtime, the way they feel-gritty and grainy, a life like the old movies, jumpy and unsteady, like life was sand rubbed into your eyes and now sits right behind your eyelid.
 
I have been trying to get out and about, to say yes to new experiences where I would have always said no.  Discipline is out the window.  To start saying yes, there is little time for the involved thinking that I usually partake in, there is little time for the pen and ink sketches.  Everything now is quick and dirty, and there are no lines to distinguish. 
 
I am suffering from classic shyness, where after forcing myself out into the world, the fear is there:  I said too much, I did the wrong thing, I offended, I snapped, I cried, I didn't know the right thing to say.  After my performance of life, I am now sitting on the bench in the dark, awaiting curtin call, awaiting review, awaiting response. 
 
Sending the first text out into the night, I shut off my phone, afraid of the answer or no answer.  And I know better.  Foolish thinking convinced me things were different here, but no, I think this one is universal. 
 
There was a beautiful thing there, shining briefly, a coin at the bottom of the pool.  But just now, I clutched my hands for it, grabbed in deparate imprecision, and the coin became a fish and disappeared, a glimmer.  Is this what I gave up what I had for? 
 
But again, paradox.  If not for said sad coin, now lost to me, I would for sure have been tied forever in the cycle of unhappiness and wanting already establised in the relationship. 
 
Why am I pining for a man I can't have, want to convince them I am something good enough to invest in?  For a second, things seemed different, but no, it's not so.  So I am asking, where is the man that wants me?  Inside and out, good and bad.  I don't think such a man exists tonight, and am afraid of how long the night, this night will be.  I am undecided, turn my ringer on and off once more.  
 
Is it better to hear the silence for sure, or be eclipsed in darkness?