Still..

I have been taking a time out from being in a relationship, suddenly noticing that I have spent my entire life metaphorically holding my breath, afraid to expose myself as a fraud.  The truth seems to be that I was so used to being controlled that I had no sense of who I really am as a person.  So after 8 months of being single, and 6 months of deliberately not dating, I find that I am feeling better, more like myself.  However, I still miss C, more than ever.  He still won't talk to me other than the occassional text.  When I see him in person, I still just really want to make him smile.  And it always hurts when I realize that he isn't going to love me, or most likely ever be friends with me again.  In someways, I feel like I am getting what I deserve.  The more I try to get him to talk to me, the more I push him away.  At the least, I want his forgiveness and the most I want is for him to love me again.  I hate these words as I write them, they will make no difference, and if anything show me as more pathetic than ever.  Or is that my fears of being vulnerable